It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
