I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
