Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
