First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
