come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
