i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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