I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
