when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
