3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
