Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
