haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
