I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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