Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
