I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
