my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
