I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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