kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
