Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Someone signed my nipple.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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