I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
