just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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