I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
