I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
