The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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