I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
