Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
