Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
