Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
