I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize