i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
