mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
