Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize