You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
