WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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