Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
