that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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