She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
