Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
