smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize