Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
