Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
