After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
