he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize