the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
