She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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