do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
home. puking in laundry basket.
is wine microwaveable?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
