Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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