drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Your penis caused this!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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