theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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