Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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