i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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