he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
