Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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