my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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