Already got asked if we're dating
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
