Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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