They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize