when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
