he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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