For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
