i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
