he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
