so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
