just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize